Loving you is like a battle...

And we both end up with scars...


Vixen told me that Thing 1 and I should just get it in and get it over with. Trust me, I have thought about it... O have I thought about it, but the truth of the matter sometimes after sex I feel some type of way. I don't want a repeat situation of Number 1. I knew better than to even go down that road...

The last couple of days have been really difficult for me... I feel like a kid with ADHD, my attention is not fixed on any one thing. I want to focus on things, but there is so much stuff going on that I can't just focus on one thing at a time. So here is the thing, Number 2 is going to get his own little story so I will reserve that for later. I don’t really know what the situation with that is, and I am not ready to deal with it right now, as immature as that sounds I am not ready.

Thing 1 is well, I want him in my life, but at the same time, I don’t. He is the type of guy you are intrigued by and want to know more about. At the same time he puts you at arm’s length, and doesn’t want you to get too close. I don’t know how to deal with him, so I just don’t. I like/liked him as much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. I sometimes revert to my inner female and read too deeply into situations. True enough we had an insane evening a few weeks back, but that is where it ends. That’s all that is ever going to be, because I look at his statuses on facebook ( lol… I’m not stalking, they pop up in the mini-feed) and he is always referring to “Her”… Who the Eff is she? Because He says things that can not possibly be in reference to me(or are they?), so I’m thinking in my mind “ He a hoe ass nigga”… cuz if this chick is oh so important, why are you getting with me? And not on some light weight stuff, I’m talking about crazy sexual energy. More so, than I have ever experienced in my 21 years…I mean last weekend we were supposed to get together, but… I still have that thing about being a jump off, and I’m not trying to become a smut, and I kinda was all over Louisiana earlier in the evening. ( Story later)
So I wanted to be in a relationship, and now I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to be caught up, and I don’t want to be out of the loop.

I wish things were a little less complex, than what they currently are!

Give them what they want

Many people have asked me why I haven't talked about my encounters with Number 2. Well here it is...Well here is part one. anyway....

I went out of town a few months ago, and had a blast at a popular night spot with my girls and some new friends.We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves,I guess you could say that this was the type of event where everyone is blaming things on the alcohol. Not gonna lie we were on that ciroc obama,Tipsy but not gone. *Earlier there were chicks in line throwing up from sipping a lil somethin too much.* Anyways, Number two had been wanting the business for months and I hadn't had sex in like a year, so I was like... Whatever why not? A few text messages were exchanged. He was upset with me, because when he had seen me earlier in the hotel lobby. I didn't give him a hug. So I replied " All you want is a hug?" He knows me, and knew that at times i bluff. He said something to the effect of " I want the hug, because you aren't going to do anymore." Maybe I was turned on, by the fact he told me I wasn't going to do something. It was almost as if it was a challenge. so I replied " Say what you want, you may just get it." This was all around 12... FAST FORWARD We didn't end up meeting up in his room until like 4:30 or 5... I was plenty pissed by this time because hella groupies had followed us there. Ended up getting it in the Bathroom. Which I have a thing for places so it was no biggie for me. I like the risk of being caught, it heightens the senses. Anywho.We had to be discreet because he told me he had a boo, and I have a plethora of young men on the roster, but none of them are getting the business. So It looked bad on both parts, he however lied. She is not just boo, she is girlfriend. And if you have read the blog you know I despise getting in the middle of people's relationships.

Did i mention I lost my voice and had to whisper? Lol...he was like " are you sure you want to do this?"... Pause- Does a crackhead want crack?-resume.
I was yeah. So it began.

Did I mention I hadn't had sex in like a year, and Number one was not in the magnum club? Anyways, number two is and anyone who has gotten it in in the bathroom before know what you are dealing with. I still had my 6 inch heels( that were ready to come off) He sat on toilet and I got on... I like being in control for some reason. Excuse the rest- It hurt like hell, I felt like a brand new virgin. After i got used to it, I was good. Now,we catch a rhythem but he wants to hit it from the back, so we do that for awhile. The guy likes just switching it up, I had no problem with that... So I was like okay cool... then he was like let's 69...

PAUSE
( I had never given head before, I had recieved)

I was like ehhhh... but What the hell? Why not right? So we getting it, and he decided that he just wanted to give me head...so I let him, and I came. So it was all good. I got mine, so the ordeal was sealed. But then he's like " Can I taste you again?... ( Head twice in one night?Sure. Let me reinterate I can't make this shit up) Anyway, after that we pretty much parted ways, and forgive me if I was not as detailed with this as I was with Thing 1... I just can't remember it all in detail. But Part 2 is more recent.A lil over a month ago. That was an adventure lls.

Louisiana!!!!

I love southern boys!!! Yes, I can do the North, but the south is where it is at. Now most of y'all will want that ATL boy, yeah they fly and swag is on point, but when it comes down to it..... I love boys from Louisiana!!!They are the effin' best. Texas is cool too, but Louisiana... It's something about how laid back they are, but fly at teh same time. A Louisiana boy can say " Shawty, What's your name?" and you aren't even offended, you just laugh and say " My name is ___________"! *giggle *giggle *smirk *smirk. Anyway, so there is this guy who I so happened to have met, he's a Pisces just like myself, so I'm thinkin' this could be an interesting encounter.If this encounter ever goes down. I'm going to see him tomorrow, and everything from here on out is about to be how everything is for me... straight up. Wild!!!!

Playing me, means you are playing yourself.

So, Thing 1 played me y'all. He was really putting on the show! You know how someone acts when it's just you and them?Yeah, it's a different story than when you are in public. See I don't play that game!!! Don't do that behind closed doors bull shit! I want to say that yes, I did care and was starting to like him, but he has thoroughly pissed me off. He don't have to worry about me,as Trina(love her) said it best. " You tryna play the diamond mami, foolish like ashanti". Naw, I was halfway simpin', almost at the cusp of letting myself chase a nigga. But Cheers let's make a toast for me having Vixen to tell me, " NO, Don't do it, reconsider read some lita -ture on the subject."- Fuck it... LOL. Everyone said he would do this, and I really wanted to let a dude have a fair chance this time. I guess My Big Bro was right and I really do attract the wrong types... Now most chicks would want to go sit and eat ice cream and watch lifetime all damn day. Me? Well I'm gonna do what any chick who isn't sad, salty, or mad would do... I'm gonna live my life. One monkey doesn't stop the show, and won't start running it anytime soon.I was gonna stop dogging dudes out, I was gonna be a sweetheart, and let things be like they were supposed to be, but you know what that seems too much like right.lol...So... Thing 1 is exxxxxxeeeeddd out.

HollabackGirl

Again I went out of town this past weekend, I ate more than i needed to and enjoyed life for awhile, before i got into the thick of finals and other stressful events.
Anyway, I hadn't talked to thing 1 in a few days(besides a status I had posted on my facebook) Anyway I had gotten a little bored so i decided to text him... A few minutes go by and I recieve a text back.

Thing 1: Don't wanna talk right now.

I proceeded to show my cousins because I was thoroughly offended, I tend to take things personal. They were like " Whoa, where did that come from" and as we are discussing the situation, minus some small details, you know like the fact we have crazy sexual chemistry. Anywho in the midst of this he sends another text.

Thing 1: Nothing against you.

So this makes me feel better, I just replied " Gotcha, it's cool." No need to get all into the dude's business or do the whole pity thing. I don't do that A. Because each guy is different, and B. A lot of people don't like you to feel bad for them. So I did what one of my teachers told me. K.I.S.S Keep It Simple Sweetheart. I basically said I understand and I took no offense without being wordy with it.I didn't say " Hope you ok." Or any other corny statement, because I don't think we are at that level where we really care about each other's well being. I think he knows that even though I act a particular way, I really am sensitive. I just appreciated the thought, and that's progress. I am still doing what I do,I still have a few guys on deck. There is this guy Lousiana, that I have to talk about next!

Until then...

Okay, well maybe a little bit.

I realized that while i enjoy sex, it probably hasn't been the best it could be. I haven't been with too many guys, 2( Well actual penetration, the number would be much higher if i counted head and the vaious other things i got out of ordeals). I don't know how I feel about upping that number without the prescence of a relationship this time around. I found myself having this conversation with Thing1 the other night(yes, i did take the blog down for awhile,but it is back up!)

I was initially really annoyed that this guy that seemed pretty interested was stunting hard on me. Usually, well as has been the case of late, I attract a lot of male attention. I am at times really unsure of myself and how i feel about a particular situations.I can be very unapproachable. I am kinda in this phase where I don't want a jumpoff/bussit nor do i want to be one.

I told Thing 1 this the other night during a conversation, but He refused to tell me what his thoughts on the situation really were... Which really bothered me, so I pulled one of my spoiled moments and was like " Whatever,let's just drop the subject and never bring it up again." I can't stand when a person expects me to tell them how i really feel, but then not want to explain themselves. All he said was " Now you know what guys go thru"... Whatever...I guess patience is a virtue, and blessings come with patience.This one I'm leaving alone for awhile, because well with Swag in his ear,Thing 2, and the fact that I am a busy body on the table.He has to question my motives, and if I were him I would question me too.

So on chill mode for now, He'll contact me, when he is ready to talk... I'm not going to contact him after Saturday's fiasco (see HollabackGirl)

... And That's Fine

I'm forced to be triflin at every turn, I rarely tell my friends the full story, because remember that discretion is everything. The stories I tell you are explicit and they are a release of what I really want to say, but know better than to actually say them aloud. I talk about them, but I get a little shy when talking about things.

This last year has been plenty entertaining and full of a plethora of sexual experiences that I will never forget, well some are rather forgetable. It seems my sex life got in the way of me getting to know Swag, I am not getting with every guy in the world, my number remains at two, but I utilize those ones to the best of my ability. I told one of my friends the other day that I haven't had sex in a month, and she was like "you had sex last week hoe!" I was like "nu uh" and she was like " Oral is sex"... Technically it is, but to me if there is no penetration, then it isn't really sex. I mean sometimes depending on the guy head is better than sex. LLS... Anyways today I saw Number 1... and he is number one for a reason. I didn't neccessasarily see his importance a few days,weeks, even months ago. It seems that I have turned off emotions and just stuck to business these last couple months. I feel like we ended for a reason. It served it's purpose. I sometimes wonder what could have been, but no longer wish to go back to that place and time.We are what we are going to be, and that's cool.

Swagger on a hundred,thousand,trillion....

Swag...

You may not have heard about Swag, and that was unintenional. He just was not as significant as others have been. He had so much potential... but there was drama from the gate. You know that broad that went around spreading rumors and lies on me... well he was her ex. He was pretty significant to her as well... I think by now we should give her a name, and I will call her Badger, because well...she looks like one. Anyway. Swag was Badger's ex and I somehow always love trouble, and I find myself in it often.

ANYWAY... I was going to this event out of town a few months ago. And I decided to randomly message him, he was going to the same event so we said we'd see each other. Anyways didn't see him,My girl Vixen saw him he saw her and it looked as though he was looking for me. hmmm... i message him, about how maybe if we had each other's numbers then we would have been able to meet up... Numbers are exchanged as well as a few text messages here and there. I wanted to hang out, we'd make plans, he'd always come up with something he had to do. I knew that he was a busy guy, because I had been there during the duration of his relationship with the Badger.Anyway never hung out, never hit me up... But now you feel some type of way???

The night I hooked up with Thing 1, I had contacted him, and wanted to hang out... but you guessed it, he wasn't trying to hang out. If you go back and read "Stranger things have happened", you will see that rather than calling me, he called Thing 1, ha it all encircles each other right? He wasn't really trying to get to know me, or chill with me, but then you find out your boy got with me you feel slighted? I guess I was supposed to wait for him. NEWS FLASH... I'm not waiting for you!

So long story short guys, please don't be salty when you find out that a girl was really doing the damn thing and you was tryna sleep. Be upset with yourself, but don't take it out on her. Take it out on yourself! Don't even get mad at your boy, you both had the same oppurtunity. He just knew what he wanted and went for it... I am in no way obligated or ever was obligated to Swag. Sure I liked him, or maybe was just attracted to him, but he wasn't doing anything to try to further the realtionship, it was just a flirtation. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Thought of the day: Smuts

So, Everyone loves a smut. STAMPED... However, I'm not sure I want to be a smut. The life a smut leads is very entertaining for a plethora of reasons. She always has a story to tell. She walks a thin line between being found out and keeping her shit low key. She can have a nigga on deck in no time. Thing is, half the females on this planet have smutted, considered smutting, or are smutting right now.There are very few who have remained good girls, and don't get loose ever every once in awhile. You don't just become a smut and go back to being a good girl though. Once a smut, always a smut. That's like a a recovering crackhead is always a crackhead, when the vice is present their bodies shiver and shake trying to fight it. Is sex too, not an addiction?

And it was said Best in the interlude " The Morning After"

" She ain't a hoe, she just knows what she wants out of life"-andre 3000

The one who started it all...

Okay so, I hadn't seen number one in a really long time... in fact. I haven't talked to him since like December! I sometimes miss the kid! He wasn't the best, he wasn't the worst. Okay... I was trying to be nice with the last statement...Seeing as I was a virgin at the time. I wasn't really sure how the whole sex thing worked, and what it was supposed entail.

I mean foreplay and all was standard, and one turn off is this... Guys please be well versed in taking off bras, I mean this lame. UGH... He didn't know how to... I wanted to scream..."I'M THE VIRGIN!!!!NOT YOU"!(or was he?) I was annoyed. But after that, it was okay. Missionary... I was a virgin, so i knew there shouldn't be any Olympics just yet.

Fast Forward... to the second time with him...

The same... okay, I'm not a virgin anymore, we can do more than have boring assed sex. This dude finally cums, but doesn't roll over. So I'm just looking like what the hell? When he is ready again, I take control of things, why? Because I did not get mine the first time around. I had to... and that's when Notorious Nikki was born, that's when I realized I could never have sex with him again.

I've had interesting experiences ever since... lol. I don't think you can handle my truths!

No more Number 2

Number 2...

There will be no more stories about number 2. The reason is, we are going in two different directions. There are rumors about things that went on between us. There is only on person in the camp that i feel put my shit on blast( another blog in itself) Anyway, I'm done with it. You don't try to mend things with bussit babies. You just do them a couple times and move on as you are supposed to. There is no way, I would be dumb enough to publicly tell people we got it in. I hate that it has to end this way, but I am not a groupie and don't plan on looking like a groupie. It just looks bad, because he has a boo. I'm planning on settling down soon. I want to settle down soon, one guy and that's it. None of this Boy #, X,Y,Z. I think home girl knows too, o well. Too bad your boo was licking it, and you prolly kissed him that same night. Wonder if he brushed his teeth... a mess! o well... it was gonna end... sooner rather than later!

The Truth is...

So, I have been keeping it 100% lately... or so I have been telling myself. I told myself that I couldn't stand Thing 1... and a whole list of self fulfilling prophecies. I did at one point like him. I just didn't like the fact that he was willing to listen to a dumb broad who didn't even have her own shit together! I was mad at him that he had stopped talking to me, and getting to know me because of the things that she had to say about me. A good friend told me that things happened that way for a reason and maybe it wasn't meant to be. All this happened in like November. So now we are in April and things like "Stranger things have happened" happen. It makes me rethink a few things, why am I rethinking things, because there is a possibility that i may not even know the other side of the story.

What happened?
Today i saw him, i wasn't going to speak. Why? Because I didn't want to be perceived as eager beaver and trying to get round two crackin. I was wearing heels which make my legs look phenomenal, and give me an extra "umph". Lol. I walked passed him with a friend. Saw another friend and talked to them. It was what it was, I went and sat down at a table with my friend. Here he comes. After telling me he doesn't go out of his way ( He does). And there is this wave of Chemistry that had me thinking of what has happened.I wanted to kiss him in public... I've never wanted to kiss someone in public. Of course this chick who is not remotely cute, decides to be a blocker. I detest blockers! I really do. She is no exception. Slore!!!She is like "Hey ******" I was just annoyed. My friend asked me, why we weren't talking and I simply said" I don't know"...Because I really don't know.

I was gettin' some head.

So have you ever had a conversation with a guy, that casual conversation about what you are both willing and unwilling to do. So the most common complaint or refusal of service is head.

I know this because I too, was one of those. " EWWWW, That's nasty" Type of girls. Not to say it is something that I do regularly or with everyone( I'm pretty selective). I just don't think that it is meant to be done with everyone, some people are saving it for marriage, but they gladly receive the service. I think that is kinda selfish.I am in no way condoning it, but to each his own.

What I think is funny is the main ones who protest it, and say how nasty it is are the main ones who do it. Stop lying people. If you give head, you give head. That doesn't make you any less of a man, or any less of a woman. You just like making people happy and you like being made happy. How dumb does it sound to say, "I enjoy getting head. But Nope, I never gave it". SMH... Good luck convincing others of that...

And if you really have never given head, well... don't knock it until you have tried it. Guys stop lying in front of your boys talking about, " I don't do that".... like hell you don't... lls. Be the one to give it first too! Trust me, there is not a position called 69 for nothing, if people weren't doing it, it would not be so popular or a "must try" position.Me? I don't particularly like it. I can't focus on me, if i'm trying to please you. It's like a conflict of interest.Anywho I was asked to do this a few days ago, politely declined. I don't like it, like I said to each his own.

Please brush your teeth afterwards! PEACE!

Brand New....

So... Thing1 is not being brand new... he's being himself. Which i thoroughly expected and repeatedly told him. He didn't have to call me the next day, which he did. He didn't have to text me, which he did. He didn't have to do a lot, of things but you already guessed it... HE DID!!!So You was feeling some type of way, not to mention the conversation we had when both parties were sober. No one eats you out while saying " MMMMM" and other Sound effects... Then tries to play your life in front of his friends.

Like I said it wasn't meant to happen, and it will never happen again( as long as i am sober)... It just need not happen again.Especially the fact that he had the audacity to tell his little friends. Whom we will affectionately call,"Ballers and fallers"... the whole squad claims to have money and like they are balling outrageously stunting in their respective vehicles. Wearing fly clothes, and basically spending every waking moment in each others prescence.

Anyway, I wouldn't mind the fact that they knew what happened, after all i am putting it online for everyone to see, ( but you don't personally know me, nor can you see my face around campus!!)Anyway i suppose he tells them all when I am walking. I look over them by chance, and they are all in my face. U-G-H... What is wrong with these people. Not gonna lie, I knew that he was gonna talk, but at least use discretion enough not to do it when i am around! And tell your lookin ass friends to chill!

So No, I'm not trying to be cool with him. Even though the head was pretty good. I'm good on that thanks. I'm about to write a whole blog dedicated to all these Head givers out here... talking about i don't do that...Why you got to lie craig? Why you got to lie? lls. But as stated previously he is crazy, so yeah. No need to be sad and blue... cuz Niggas is hoes too!

Stranger Things have happened....

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